portland Polyamory | couples therapy | sex therapy | polyamory advice | open relationship advice

I’ve been blogging about non-traditional relationships for over ten years and LOVE sharing accurate information with curious minds.

If you can’t find the answer to your question on my site, just ask.

There are no stupid questions here!

Name *

portland Polyamory | couples therapy | sex therapy | polyamory advice | open relationship advice

Answers are shared in writing on my Rethinking Relationships blog and live on my facebook page each Friday.

Is it possible to stop being jealous?

[scenario omitted to protect privacy]

Oh sweetheart, I can feel the pain of the jealousy you're experiencing in the situation you described.  I wish I could tell you jealousy can go away- but I don't think it should.  Believe it or now jealousy has a role to play in your emotional experience.  If you want to lead a complex life you need to experience complex emotions- even jealousy- sometimes.  

But I think the weight it's carrying in your life can be alleviated.  That's the real problem for most of us, not the jealousy itself but the way it leads us to obsessions, worries, fears, reactivity, outbursts, shame, and sneakiness.  That's the stuff that's really hard to live with.

I work with lots of people to change the way we relate to and manage jealousy.  It's not easy work, but it is possible to change the way jealousy shows up for us and what we do with it.  If you're looking for some practices please check this out.

My husband cheated on me and now I feel crazy.  Will that feeling ever stop?

It's totally normal to feel out of balance and overwhelmed after something shocking happens. Most of the people I work with who have affairing partners feel completely blindsided when they find out and are overwhelmed by emotions afterward.

Some of them say they feel "obsessed" and get really stuck in cyclical thoughts and worst-case-scenario planning. Some of them shut off.  Some of them explode.  Sometimes this stuck thinking feels worse than the infidelity.

So what you're feeling sounds very common and yes it can and will fade.  There are some solid ways to help it along and deal with it in healthy ways.  Here are some ideas.

Gina, what kind of relationship are you in?

I'm in a very loving long-term relationship right now.  I wrote about it here, here, and here if you're asking more specifics.  

But honestly, I don't talk a lot about my own relationship(s) in my work because I like to keep the focus on my clients.

I'm thinking about trying polyamory because I've cheated in all my past relationships.  Will it help me stay faithful?

I wish I could say yes for certain but without knowing more about your history it's difficult to predict.  Here's what I can say; if you have a history of dishonesty in relationships it's going to be hard to make healthy non-monogamy work because healthy relationships depend on honesty.  

I'd recommend looking at what causes you to be deceitful, dishonest, or to operate without consent in relationships.  If you can resolve those things polyamory or non-monogamy could very much help you have more trustworthy relationships moving forward.