Why You're Not Having Sex: Value Self-Care

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This is part of a series of posts about sex and desire in long-term relationships.  CLICK HERE to read the full series.


Y'all, self-care literally is sexy.  It is nearly impossible to feel sexy (for most people) if you're not investing in real self-care on a regular basis. 

So many of the folks I see who are experiencing desire fatigue are FAR out of alignment with their self-care plan.  They put the needs of their partner, family, household, and/or job before their own needs and often are experiencing burnout in at least one of those areas.  

It's really hard to get hot if you're too busy thinking about the laundry, taking the dog to the vet, and submitting year-end-reports to go dancing or  have meaningful conversation.

I'm not talking about just taking some bubble baths here (though bubble baths are a great piece of the self-care puzzle for many).  I mean taking a step back and evaluating the actions that sustain your soul and creating a sustainable plan to keep your self-care in balance amid the stress of daily life.  

Here are some questions to ask to help you create a self-care plan.  You can also download a this guide in the Relationship Toolbox to walk you through creating and maintaining your own plan with ease (don't worry, it's free).

  1. When did I last take a full breath?  What helps me breathe easier?
  2. When in my regular life do I feel most powerful?  Most confident?  What do I wear, who is present, what prep work and support helps get me to that empowered space?
  3. When (in my life and in my average week) do I feel most connected to my body?  What helps me feel more love for my body?
  4. How do I most like to connect with others socially?  Who are the folks in my community who sustain me?  What would it take to connect with them this week?
  5. How can my partner support me in find better balance?  What does meaningful support look like in this relationship?

If you want more help sorting through sexual desire fatigue I have a couple openings for new clients and am happy to chat with you about reigniting sexual passion.  


  1. Biology

  2. Time Scarcity

  3. Lack of Self-Care

  4. Maintenance Sex - Break Free of Obligation

  5. Lack of Inspiration - Invest in Creativity, Wonder and Awe

  6. Assumption-Making - Get Curious and Explore

  7. Initiation Hesitation - Live Courageously and Circle Back

  8. Lacking Feedback - Highlights Reel

  9. Poor Consent Practices - Talk During

  10. Sex Negativity - Don't Yuck Their Yum

  11. Routine Boredom - Fantasy Sharing, Find Inspiration

  12. Necessary Repairs - Move Past Resentment with Apology and Personal Responsibility

  13. Desire Maintenance - Invest in Your Sexiness

  14. Alone Time

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Hi!  I'm glad you're reading.  Let me know if I can help you:

  • rediscover passion in long-term relationships
  • repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
  • move beyond jealousy, insecurity or codependency
  • resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
  • break unhealthy communication patterns 
  • open your relationship and practice polyamory with care

Call me for a free consultation to rethink your relationship.


Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a communication consultant, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, and infidelity.