Example Polyamory Rules (Agreements for Healthy Non-monogamy Part 1)

Okay, I started writing a blog about boundaries and recommended rules for polyamory for newly open relationships and got so into it I wrote a book. I’m going to break is down into a series so you can more easily dip in and out as you need.

Read the whole thing here.

There are many kinds of agreements couples sort out to make consensual non-monogamy work for them.  Because they are often one of the first things new clients ask about I wanted to outline the main ones here to help all of you wondering the same things. 



The first area of non-monogamy agreements or polyamory rules I focus on in my work with couples is about privacy boundaries. It's important to think about privacy boundaries in three overlapping circles: a boundary around just myself, a boundary around the two of us in this dyad, and boundary around me and each of my other partner(s). I'll share examples below.

AROUND ME: Things I don't share with anyone (or not with my partner)

  • "I don't share my passwords or logins with other people."
  • "I don't share some of my most private sexual desires with anyone."
  • "I don't even like to look at the mistakes I made as a teenager with myself- I won't share them with you."
  • “I don’t use the bathroom with the door open.”

AROUND US: Things we keep in a locked vault between us.

  • "I would never share the sexual kinks and adventures we've shared, or the fantasies you've told me about with anyone else."
  • "We don't talk about our financial issues or our arguments with people we're dating."
  • "Let's check in before we tell anyone else we go to therapy."
  • "Please don't tell anyone about how insecure I am about _______."

AROUND OTHER RELATIONSHIPS: These are things you might not share with your original partner in order to respect a new partner's privacy boundary.

  • "I want to check with {new partner} before I share their dating profile or picture with you to make sure it's okay with them."
  • "Can you tell me what area of town this person lives in so I can avoid running into you on a date? All I need is a general idea of where to avoid."
  • "I want to know every detail of your sexual encounter when you get back because I might find it hot. Is that okay with both of you?"
  • "It's important to me you tell them we're married and not splitting up. Are you willing to work that into the conversation tonight?"

Please note privacy is not the same as secrecy. Hiding and withholding information is very different than having agreed upon boundaries for information sharing. One honors the relationship and builds trust. The other does not.

Wanna talk about healthy boundaries or opening your relationship? Give me a call.

Gina Senarighi POlyamory Coach | Open Relationship Therapist | Open Marriage Therapy

Hi!  I'm glad you're reading.  Let me know if I can help you:

  • open your relationship & practice polyamory with integrity
  • move beyond jealousy, fear, and insecurity 
  • manage intense emotions that arise in conflicts
  • rebuild trust after infidelity or dishonesty
  • shift stuck communication & codependent relationship patterns

I lead couples retreats, host workshops, and see private clients online and in Portland, Oregon. 

Call me for a free consultation to rethink the way you do relationships.

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a communication consultant, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, and infidelity.