Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Partners

Comparison | Uncommon Love Counseling for Open Relationships in Portland

Comparison is the thief of joy.  

Think about it.  

All too often I work with clients in my couples practice who are struggling with jealousy, comparison, and insecurity in relationships.  

Nobody wins when comparison comes to play.  It thrives on us feeling small and alone and can feel overwhelming to think about working through it.  

Comparison is like an unwanted houseguest who shows up unannounced and reminds you of all your imperfections.  It's hard to shake them or set boundaries.

But the truth is, you can move forward with careful intention and action.  Overcoming insecurity in relationships might be challenging, but you CAN say no to insecurity.  You don't have to feel small.  Read through the list below to learn to deal with this unwanted guest with ease:

Acknowledge your insecurity- honestly.

There is no getting around insecurity- the only path is through it.  You need to admit that it's a real problem that is keeping you from loving healthy relationships with yourself and others.  

Insecurity can be truly debilitating and isolating. Instead of letting it break you down in silence, name it to take some of its power away.


If you’re going to really change the way insecurity shows up in your life, you have to understand why you are having these feelings to begin with.  Most people experience insecurity in the forms of scarcity, comparison, fear and anxiety.  

Spend a little time journaling to learn more about your unique experience of insecurity to get clearer on what you can do to move forward.

Focus on self-improvement. 

If you’re a chronically insecure person, chances are  you don’t think highly of yourself and get caught up comparing yourself to others you admire.  It's time to work on making yourself into a person who has no reason to be insecure because you're so happy with who you are.  

Take a class, try something new, meet a few friends, and cross a few things off that bucket list to take the strength away from your insecurity.

Reach out to friends.

Insecurity really likes to thrive all on its own- and wants you to isolate and wallow.  

Instead of letting it take control, call in your community of compassion- those people who see you and accept you no matter what- and tell them what you're feeling.  Ask for empathy, distraction, affection, and support.

Practice gratitude.

When scarcity and fear visit, they are often protecting the things that matter most to us.  Their greatest antidote is gratitude.  Remind yourself that you're lucky just to be alive, and turn your energy to the greatness all around you.

Cultivate self-compassion and acceptance.

Improving and appreciating the life you have will go a long way to resolve your insecurity, but the truth is, nobody is perfect and someone will always have it easier/better/prettier than you. 

Learning to accept your imperfections with compassion is key to letting go of your insecurity.

This week in action:

Start by noticing when and where insecurity shows up.  It may be at work, in your family, with friends, or in your romantic relationship.  

Move through these processes: acknowledgement, reflection, self-improvement, community, gratitude, and self-compassion.  

Try them on like you are shopping for shoes, give each one a full moment of your complete attention.  Notice how they feel on your body.  

This was first published on Amplified Good.

gina senarighi couples therapist in portland | couples counseling and sex counseling in portland

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sex educator and relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationshipsjealousy, LGBTQ issues and infidelity.  

She can help you:

Contact her for a free consultation to see if working with her is right for you.

Click here to download her free guides to strengthen your relationship (monogamous or not).