ethical polyamory

What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

ethical open relationship | ethical open marriage | ethical polyamory

When I talk about ethical non-monogamy, I'm talking about relationships who consciously choose to allow space for intimacy between more than just two people. They might identify as swingers, polyamorous, or in open relationships.  

But in all cases, intimacy is shared with more than just one partner.  This could mean sexual, sensual, emotional, or physical intimacy that typically in monogamous relationships is saved for just two partners.  

There are four key elements that make this different than infidelity or cheating- which can sometimes be confused for ethical non-monogamy (I often call those examples unethical non-monogamy).  You can use these elements to help keep yourself in check if you're asking "How do I know if I'm practicing ethically?"

Intentionality

This is what separates solo polyamory from traditional dating, and monogamy from default monogamy.  Intentionality means making a conscious choice about the kind of relationship you want to create and being upfront with all people you want to be intimate with about your intention.  It might sound like this:

"I'm really not looking to commit to an on-going relationship, but I want to sleep with you."

"I want more than one love in my life. I hope we can continue building our love while I connect with other potential loves."

"My partner and I often see other women together and individually.  I hope you're comfortable knowing I am not interested in finding another life-partner, but I really want to spend more time with you."  

Honesty

The examples above also demonstrate the kind of honesty required in ethical open relationships.  Unfortunately, it's not always easy to get clear about what you want, and (just as in monogamous relationships) sometimes what you want changes.  

If you're going to practice ethically it's essential you have a way to get clear about what you want.  This might mean hiring a coach or counselor, joining a polyamory support group, or telling a few close friends who can help you work through the sometimes confusing desires you'll have in non-monogamy.

Lots of folks also benefit from having a meditation or writing practice where they can tune-in to themselves and find clarity so they can chare it honestly with the people they care about.

The bottom line is: you cannot practice ethically if you cannot practice honestly.

Consent

Here's the really big difference between ethical and unethical non-monogamy.  If you're practicing consent (meaning each partner gets to sign on, yes, they want in on this arrangement) then you 've got this ethical thing down.

But the thing about consent is, it can shift at any time.  So to practice consent well you have to have a process to communicate about and circle back checking-in to make sure folks are still on the same page. 

And a lot of times not everyone is on the same page.  I mean in a two-person relationship it can be difficult to find agreement, so the more folks you have the more complex this can become.  It can become especially difficult when one of you wants to "take things slower" than the other.

Boundaries

Finally, ethical non-monogamy means respecting the boundaries of each partner in the dynamic. Here are a few ways I've seen boundaries violated in unethical non-monogamy:

In primary relationships:

  • reading each other's texts without permission
  • online stalking new partners
  • using technology to follow a partner on a date
  • pushing a partner or trying to convert them to something they don't want
  • prying for information when a partner returns from a date

In additional relationships:

  • sharing online profiles with original partners
  • sharing photos with primary partners
  • giving other partners private, identifying, or demographic information without checking in first
  • pressuring a partner to change their agreements with other people

Just be sure you have consent to offer whatever you're sharing.  Agreement and checking-back are key to consent.  

If you want help implementing ethical non-monogamy for the first time give me a call.  That's my favorite topic to chat about!


ethical open relationships | ethical open marriage | ethical polyamory | consensual nonmonogamy

Hi!  I'm glad you're reading.  Let me know if I can help you:

  • reconnect with passion & desire in long-term relationships
  • move beyond jealousy, fear, and insecurity 
  • manage intense emotions that arise in conflicts
  • change communication & codependent relationship patterns
  • open your relationship & practice ethical polyamory 

I lead couples retreats, host workshops, and see private clients online (and in Portland, OR).

Call me for a free consultation to rethink the way you do relationships.

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a communication consultant, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, and infidelity.  

Are We Ready to Open Our Relationship?

ready for open relationship

Over the last ten years I've seen hundreds of couples through deciding when and if and how they want to open their relationships.  I do believe almost anyone is capable of managing an open relationship with a little training- if they want it.

But not every relationship is ready to dive in right away.  Lots of folks have co-created dynamics that need to shift to support a consensually non-monogamous relationship.  Plenty of people need to work on changing perspectives and gaining or fortifying skills before an open relationship will suit them well.  

Here are a few questions to ask yourself to self-check your own readiness for an open relationship.

What kind of time, energy, financial, and physical resources am I willing to share?

Love is limitless, but resources (time, money, and physical energy for starters) are not.  For example, I once had a client who ran two successful businesses, started full-time graduate school, was training for a marathon, and was considering starting a relationship with a third partner.

I'm not saying it's impossible to do all those things at once.  But her energy for all those things was going to be compromised.  And in order to practice ethically its important she is up front with her current and potential partners about just how much (or little) she has to give.

Take stock of your resources and your willingness to divide them even further.  

How do my current partner and I handle and resolve conflict?

You will hit bumps in the road if you decide to open your relationship.  It's inevitable.  There's just so little good information and social support in our society for folks building relationships outside cultural norms, and you're up against a heap of bad relationship advice we often take as truth. 

Those bumps don't mean there's anything wrong with your relationship, but if you have little or no solid practice working through things together (without one of you feeling slighted, or someone avoiding the issues) it's going to be difficult to start when emotions are running high and you're trying something so brand new.

I recommend hiring a professional to give your relationship a little tune-up when it comes to conflict so you're better prepared for the bumps you're going to face when you start seeing more people.

How do I currently manage my emotions?  What happens when I experience severe anxiety, fear, jealousy, or insecurity?  

Even the most even-keeled clients have told me starting to practice non-monogamy brings out the most unpredictable and surprising reactions in them.  That's totally okay.

How you handle those emotional reactions however can have huge implications for your well-being and the long-term success of your relationship.  Feeling intense emotions is no excuse for being unkind or disrespectful.  

Take stock of the skills that help you manage intense reactions with care. Review the self-care practices that help you stay balanced (and bolster them to help anchor you).  Again, hire a professional to talk through these if needed, you won't regret using care when starting out.

Where can I find support for a polyamorous lifestyle?

When starting out in non-monogamy lots of folks feel alone because they perceive the monogamous community around them as pretty unsupportive.  It can be really difficult for people to find supportive polyamorous or open community.  

And going it alone with your partner creates a vacuum for the two of you to incubate unhealthy polyamorous dynamics if you've got any brewing.  You need outside voices to support your learning and growth in this process.

Start looking for folks you can talk with well before you start taking action steps toward non-monogamy. You can find communities online via fetlife and facebook or support groups in your community to talk through your questions and concerns among others who get it.

This is by no means meant to be an exhaustive list.  I'm happy to give you a more tailored list of considerations (specific to your situation) just give me a call.


open relationships online counseling

Hi!  I'm glad you're reading.  Let me know if I can help you:

  • open your relationship & practice polyamory with integrity
  • move beyond jealousy, fear, and insecurity 
  • manage intense emotions that arise in conflicts
  • rebuild trust after infidelity or dishonesty
  • shift stuck communication & codependent relationship patterns

I lead couples retreats, host workshops, and see private clients online (and in Portland, OR).

Call me for a free consultation to rethink the way you do relationships.

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a communication consultant, sexuality counselor and certified relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, and infidelity.  

Benefits of Polyamory

Benefits of Polyamory | Uncommon Love Open Relationship Counseling in Portland

Nearly every couple I work with wants to know the pros and cons of choosing an open relationship.  You can read these previous posts to learn more about the benefits and reasons people choose polyamory or nonmonogamy.  

Today I want to share a list of the benefits to choosing an open relationship.

 

Common Benefits of Nonmonogamy

I don't feel confined

Plenty of people choose nonmonogamy to experience more freedom or autonomy in relationships- and open relationships can certainly provide freedoms.  

Successful nonmonogamous couples are able to acknowledge attraction to people outside the relationship without creating turmoil- even if that attraction is never acted upon.  That simple freedom releases a lot of tension for many couples (even monogamous ones).

Monogamy didn't work in the past

So many of my couples tell me they came to the decision to try polyamory because their past relationships involved cheating and they want to create more open communication moving forward.  

Even couples who haven't experienced infidelity often tell me they simply don't believe (philosophically or politically) in the traditional monogamous paradigm.  They want to break free from that model.

I get diverse sexual experience

One benefit to nonmonogamy can be sex with more people.  More people means diverse and different experiences.  You get to explore more with more people.

I get diverse romantic and emotional experience

Often overlooked, another great benefit to nonmonogamy is the diversity of emotional connections and kinds of relationships possible.  More people means diverse and different experiences.  You get to explore more with more people- emotionally.

I don't feel pressure to meet all my partners' needs

While polyamorous couples certainly care about their partners' needs, they can let go of the pressure to meet all of them (ie. "you complete me").  

Increased personal growth/self-awareness

If you want to work on your shit (jealousy, attachment, abandonment, codependence, insecurity, judgment...), polyamory is certainly a fast-track to personal development.  I'm not suggesting polyamorous people are highly enlightened and have worked everything out, but to be successful you have to commit to some self-work.  And if self-work is your interest this can be a major benefit to nonmonogamy.  

 

 

If you want support as you open your relationship give me a call for a consultation.  I'm happy to help you nurture your relationship (monogamous or otherwise).


Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sex educator and relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationshipsjealousy, LGBTQ issues and infidelity.  

She can help you:

Contact her for a free consultation to see if working with her is right for you.

Click here to download her free guides to strengthen your relationship (monogamous or not).

 

Open Relationships: Don't Ask Don't Tell Doesn't Work- Here's Why

DADT Doesn't Work | Uncommon Love Polyamory Counseling Portland

Almost every week I seen couples who are considering an open relationship.  At least monthly someone tells me they are thinking about a don't ask don't tell policy.  

Let me state for the record, don't ask don't tell doesn't work.  

Don't ask don't tell (DADT) is a style of open relationship is when a couple has agreed to be intimate with others outside of their relationship, as long as they don’t have to share any information about these interactions with their partner.

Of course no one form of poly is the best and most righteous of all forms of poly. However successful relationships (monogamy or not) require openness and honesty.  When my couples ask about DADT, they usually describe something else.

When couples come to see me they unanimously say they want to stay connected while opening their relationships, they really love each other, they want to stay together.  But they fear polyamory, swinging, or opening their relationship will be "too hard."  

They want a DADT policy because they think this will make nonmonogamy easier.

Here are the major pitfalls of the DADT agreements in relationship.

DADT Issue Number One: You never know what you don't know. 

All too often I see DADT backfire because it is assumptive in nature.  We assume we are on the same page- but how do we know we are without checking?  All too often I see folks make assumptions about what is okay and because they’re not supposed to “tell” they unintentionally do something that hurts their partner.

DADT Issue Number Two: Renegotiation is essential. 

One of the keys to healthy long-term open relationships is the ability to renegotiate.  Most of the couples I see who manage long term open relationships go through a range of different styles of relationship over time (the time where you were dating someone new, the time we were monogamous because we were trying to get pregnant, the time I was heartbroken after being dumped etc). 

If your agreement is not to talk about ANY of the other relationships in your life you are limited in your renegotiations and it’s hard for your relationship to grow and change with time.

DADT Issue Number Three: Not knowing can be torture.

All too often people who are new to open relationships get stuck in self-defeating thoughts.  They start wondering about their partner’s dating experience and begin torturing themselves with their own insecurities.  They worry the person is funnier or smarter or the sex is better.  Sometimes knowing a little bit of information can help quiet these concerns because it helps you know the other person is human (both wonderful and imperfect, just like you). 

The other way I see people torture themselves with a DADT is being afraid to ask for reassurance.  They take the “don’t ask” portion too far and forget to nourish their connection.  They forget to turn to connection because DADT is inherently disconnected.

DADT Issue Number Four: You are keeping secrets.

This if by far the biggest problem I see for couples who tell me they want to stay together and connected.  If you want connection, why are you turning away from one another?  You are missing an incredible opportunity for trust building and growth if you try to avoid conflict with a DADT policy.

There’s also a logistical factor here.  Your partner may not need to (and frankly, shouldn’t) know everything about your other relationships, but they need to know some things. 

A list of basic questions you need to be able to answer:

  • When will I see you again?

  • How will you keep safe?

  • Under what circumstances can I interrupt you?  If this happens, how will I contact you?

  • What are our agreements about sharing body fluids with each other and other people?

  • Is there anything I need to know to stay out of your physical space?

  • Do you need help with transportation?

  • How will this connect to our shared finances or home?

  • How can you stay present with me even if you are excited about someone else?

  • How will we reconnect in a way that feels great for both of us after we've spent time apart?

Yes, couples who are practiced in nonmonogamy, or who aren’t interested in a deep emotional connection are able to maintain DADT- but that’s not who we’re talking about here. 

Until you’re clear about what information you want and don’t want, how opening your relationship plays out logistically, and how you’ll maintain connection DADT just doesn’t work.  

If you want help opening your relationship call me, I am happy to talk with you about your relationship's health:


Sex Counselor Portland | Portland Sex Counselor | Couples Counselor

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sex educator and relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationshipsjealousy, LGBTQ issues and infidelity.  

She can help you:

Contact her for a free consultation to see if working with her is right for you.

Click here to download her free guides to strengthen your relationship (monogamous or not).