Being curious about your partner's new adventures, relationships and friendships is totally natural. In fact, genuine curiosity (trying to get to know more about your partner without ulterior motives) is really healthy.
But sometimes when we're opening a relationship it gets pretty difficult to sort out the healthy curiosity from those other motives.
Genuine interest in your partner and their experience is fine. But honestly, you don't need a lot of detail (especially not about other people) to get connection with your sweetie.
If you find yourself getting curious and aren't sure what's okay to ask- or what's too much use the reflection questions below to help guide your process.
Does this information intrude on anyone else's privacy boundaries?
First and foremost if the information involves another person (even if you're not crazy about that person) considering their boundaries and respecting their privacy has to be part of the equation too.
Often I talk with couples who assume they'll share any and all information about dates- without checking with the dates. Instead, I urge you to get consent from the other folks you're seeing- is there anything they'd rather you not share?
If you want a respectful relationship with them too, their boundaries have to be respected too.
How does it help me to know?
When you notice yourself getting curious about the details of your partners' dates pause and ask yourself how the information you're seeking will help you.
If I'm asking my partner about the restaurant they went to with a new date I want to be clear how the information will help me. It might help me to know if the food was good, the service great, if they would go back- because I might be interested in going to that restaurant.
Or It might be helpful to know my partner had a good time and might want to hang out with this person again. This might help me calibrate my expectations around further practice in nonmonogamy.
But it would not be helpful for me to get ensnared in comparison (or try to trap my partner in it) asking if they had a better time than with me, if the person was more attractive than me, or they kissed better.
Comparison will never lead to connection in relationships. If you notice comparison showing up, write out what she's saying to you and notice any themes. There may be important lessons in what she's trying to tell you- but those lessons can't come from your partner, only from reflection (or coaching).
How does this info impact me either way?
Of course you want information about things that will directly impact you. And you are entitled to it. But it can be easy to expand the impact further than is appropriate.
If I ask, "When will you be home?" I want to know because I want to make my own dinner plans and don't know if I'll see you for dinner.
Or I want to know if I should go to bed before you're home vs waiting up.
Or I want to know when I can use the shared car again.
Or I want to know when I should start worrying if I haven't heard from you.
But when will you be home is different than, "Be home by eleven or I'll be worried." Eleven doesn't directly impact me. And worry is something we can create agreements to resolve.
Why is it important to me right now?
This final question helps us clarify if we do have ulterior motives for asking- and what they are.
This awareness helps us know what to do to reach the result we're looking for (usually connection or reassurance) in a direct trustworthy manner.
If I ask, "Did you have a good time?" I might be trying to say:
"I'm really nervous about this and need some reminders you have fun with me." or
"When you stay out late I worry about your safety." or
"Do you still love me?" or
"Are you going to leave me?" or
"Am I still special to you?"
Or any number of other things. But by taking a beat to get clear and stating what you're really after you create a much deeper more authentic connection between you and your sweetie.
Hi! I'm glad you're reading. Let me know if I can help you:
- reconnect with passion & desire in long-term partnerships
- rebuild trust after infidelity or dishonesty
- move beyond jealousy, fear, and insecurity
- manage intense emotions that arise in conflicts
- resolve sexual dysfunction & disconnect
- change communication & codependent patterns
- open your relationship & practice polyamory with integrity