painful sex

Ask Me Anything: Girlfriend Has Pain During Sex


Ask me anything is a relationship advice column run by Gina Senarighi, a former therapist turned sex educator and sexuality counsellor who offers online support for non-traditional couples.  

Submit your Ask Me Anything question right here.  Or Read more Ask Me Anything here.

This Weeks Relationship Advice Question:

Hello, I have a question / problem.

I am very in love with my girl. I know she feels the same. When we make love, it is totally awesome. The only problem is, well, she is tiny, everywhere. And that kinda hurts our sex life. After we have great sex she is hurting and doesn't want to do it again for awhile.

I can't help it, she just makes me horny. I always want her. Any ideas how to ease her pain, and mine????

I am so sorry to hear she's in pain when you two are trying to feel closeness.  Pain during sex is, unfortunately, very common but there are some things you two can look into that can help.  

If you want her to have a better sexual experience with you fortunately, there are a lot of things you can do to help.

Wait longer- much longer

First, the most basic problem most people have is not engaging in enough foreplay.  People's bodies often need to be very aroused before anything can be painlessly inserted into them.  This means for both of you to spend some time simply learning what turns her on most.  That could mean nipple play, breast stimulation, vibrator use, oral sex, analingus, or digital stimulation.  

Too many people try to rush through foreplay toward orgasm - often to the detriment of the climax and orgasmic experience.  Do not be that couple.

It's critically important both of you learn what turns her on most so she can be really aroused before you try having penis-in-vagina sex (PIV).  

Stress isn't sexy at all

It's also really important she has a relaxing, safe, stress-free environment.  So ask her what will help her feel more in touch with her body.  It may be taking a shower, going for a walk after a work day, wearing something soft, changing the sheets- whatever might help her feel more comfortable.  

It might mean you start taking care of more household tasks if that's distracting her, just to make her life a little less stressful.  Step up so she can lay back.

Practice even safer sex

Also, to help her relax, start asking her each time you want to try something new or different in bed (try: do you want this or this?, do you like what I'm doing with my hand/mouth?, is this working for you?) to help her feel safe saying yes or asking for something else.  

Yes, really, say this out loud.  It's the only way you can practice consent, build safety, and increase trust.

Good lube is critical

It is also critical you find a lubricant that works for her body.  Not all lubes are the same but additional lubrication is essential for most women to have a satisfying sex life.  If you're in Portland, She Bop has a great selection and a staff who are always willing to help you find the right one for your bodies.

Getting help actually helps

Finally, it's really important your girlfriend knows pain during sex is not that uncommon at all.  Many women experience it and there are lots of professionals who can help.  Seeing a sex therapist or sexuality counselor is one really helpful step.  Often this can even be covered by your insurance.

Plenty of ASSECT certified therapists specialize in treating pelvic pain and sexual pain.  Please check their list of providers or call me for a referral to someone who can help.  Or call me for a consultation and I can point you in the right direction.

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Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sex educator and relationship coach specializing in polyamory, open relationships, jealousy, LGBTQ issues, and infidelity.  

She can help you:

  • rediscover passion in long-term relationships
  • repair trust after infidelity or dishonesty
  • move past jealousy, insecurity or codependent patterns
  • open your relationship or practice polyamory with care
  • resolve sexual dysfunction and disconnect
  • break unhealthy communication patterns in your relationship

Contact her for a free consultation to see if working with her is right for you.

Click here to download her free guides to strengthen your relationship (monogamous or not).